Morgan J. Sammut

rip ic: HR 9218

A week af er  rump is elec ed, I s ar  on  es os erone. I go  o an endocrinology appoin men  and  he doc or  ells me  o correc  him if he misgenders me  hen asks why I  hink I need  o go on  es os erone. He asks me if my family has any his ory of high blood pressure, which my grandfa her did and now my grandfa her is dead. He asks me wha  medica ions I  ake. I admi  I  ake esci alopram and he asks how my mood has been and I say “as good as i  can be for a  rans person af er  rump go  elec ed” and he nods and says “yeah, i  feels like  his is  he wrong  imeline” and miraculously, he prescribes i .

A day before  rump is elec ed, my grandfa her dies. I go  o work and I smile while a re ired nurse  hanks me for my help and for a momen  he looks jus  like my grandfa her and  he  hough  my grandfa her is dead overwhelms me and I manage  o s ay uprigh . I ring up a mom who  ells her kid  o please give  he frui  lea her  o  he nice lady and I do no  cry bu  i  is clearer  han ever  ha  I need  o go on  es os erone. My co-worker asks how I’m doing and I  ell  hem  he  ru h: he knew I was  rans. My dad  old him  he ins an  I came ou  and I hadn’  heard any hing in  he  hree mon hs be ween, bu  I was supposed  o see him a  Chris mas. I  is a relief  ha  I will never have  o know. I am so angry  ha  I will never ge   o. Fur her proof  ha   his is  he wrong  imeline.

 he morning  rump is elec ed, I wake up a  6:30 and search “elec ion resul s” on my phone, knowing  ha  we will have our firs  female presiden . I am wrong.  he only  hing I can  hink is  his is  he wrong  imeline. I don’  wan   o go  o work and  alk  o anyone abou   his. I do no  wan   o feel more grief. I  is selfish, bu  my grandfa her is dead and I jus  wan  a momen   o si  in silence wi hou  ano her crisis  o send me spiraling. Bu ,  his is our  imeline, so I si  up and s ar  making a lis  of all  he  hings I should do before January and firs , and perhaps mos  impor an ly, I need  o go on  es os erone.